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Animal jokes

Collection of maybe the funnies Animal jokes in internet.

A man wakes up

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers”. He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he”ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

“What are you going to do?”, the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.”, says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

“What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner.

“If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

An 80 year old man

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.

“I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.

He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!

He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle.”

“And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.